"Let us begin this ordeal with a fairly safe assumption: No human being who has ever lived in this world has ever taken good advice."
- Kinky Friedman, "What Would Kinky Do?"


"I awoke on Friday, and because the universe is expanding it took me longer than usual to find my robe."
- Woody Allen, "Strung Out"


"Every day is a gift - but does it have to be socks?"
- Tony Soprano


"My attitude is always that it is a great day for America when a government official is led away in handcuffs."
- William Arkin


"I learned that giving is its own reward, which is kind of like saying, there's no reward."
- Sarah Silverman


"You should always worry about somebody who has his own manifesto."
- the lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet


"I may be crazy, but, man, at least I'm cool."
- Johnny Winter, "I Hate Everybody"


"It's YOUR hell, YOU burn in it."
- bumper sticker


"Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smells bad."
- Spock


"I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it."
- Philip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler), The Big Sleep


"Twas brillig, and the toves were not just slithy, they were stinking drunk."
- Richard A. Polunsky