byoolin's trebuchet

Moving day.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:35:20 GMT

Starting now, byoolin's trebuchet will be over at Blogger.com. Be sure to update your bookmarks (hahahahahhah!).

An open letter to my bank's Portfolio Lending department.

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 22:48:40 GMT

[Dear blah, blah, blah, etc.]

I recently received a notice from your department advising me that “after careful consideration,” you've decided to lower my credit limit. Fair enough; that's certainly your prerogative, and, really, I'm not complaining.

I'm sure it's purely coincidental that your letter was dated only two days after the outstanding balance on my card was paid in full, after having been at or near its limit since May of 2007. I am sure that the strain on your company's resources from this oversight was barely covered by the interest charges ranging from 25% to 32% annually for more than two years on a balance in excess of $2,000 and applaud your efforts to get your house in order. Indeed, it was only through similar efforts on my part – controlling my own spending and making diligent efforts to pay down my own debt, to name two – that I am now able to say that all my credit card balances are at or very close to zero, and that what I call my “total available credit” is higher than it has been in at least two years.

Which brings me back to your letter of July 17. I'm not sure how your organization calculates “total available credit,” but how I do it is to look at the available credit on card A and on card B and so on. I add up all those numbers and I call that my “total available credit.” I can perform a similar exercise to calculate what I call my “total bankcards balances.”

And this is where I get confused: according to your letter, the two “primary reasons” my limit was lowered was because my “total bankcards balances [were] too high compared to credit limits” and that my “total available credit” was too low. As I've just explained, my balances are actually lower and my available credit is actually higher than they've been in ages.

Now, I'm not saying you lowered my limit because you've already figured out that the tap from which I've been sending you roughly a hundred bucks a month for two years has been turned off, but you can see how people might read it that way, right?

Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm sure. It's kind of the like the way you might misconstrue my saying that I've found other providers offering more competitive rates as sounding like a complaint about getting hosed by you guys.

I hope we can still be friends, albeit in a “you won't use me and I won't use you” kind of way from now on.

[Yours blah, blah, blah, etc.]

The Pot Calling The Kettle Names.

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:35:38 GMT

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was asked about the the arrest by a white Cambridge Police officer of Harvard University Professor and black man Henry Louis Gates for disorderly conduct as he tried to break into his own house. The Governor said it was "every black man's nightmare and a reality for many black men".

The Executive Director of the Massachusetts Association of Police, Jimmy Machado, responded that "it's shameful to play into the hate and the racial tensions that are out there in America."

Speaking of those racial tensions, what a wacky coincidence that a Harvard student named Seth Bannon just happened to take a picture of another Cambridge cop getting into his SUV - the one with the license plates reading "WHY TEE". And what a wacky coincidence that WHY TEE rhymes with WHITEY! Hahahahaha!

I suppose the officer's plate could be an existential question about golf.

But really, a cop playing golf? Why, that's even less likely than a black man living in a nice house in the Boston suburbs, isn't it?

Another Rorschach Test For The Credulous.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:37:05 GMT

Just about everyone who knows me knows that I am an atheist and that I've been one just about as long as I can remember. What they may not know, however, is that I'm a little bit arrogant about it. My wife, the Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet, noticed this early in our relationship and brought it to my attention.

"Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean you're smarter than people who do," she said.

"But I am," I said, cleverly.

As you might well imagine, this line of discussion continues from time to time and remains unresolved.

Then again, it's hard not to feel superior when you've got people who think the pattern in the bird shit on their pickup truck is an image of the Virgin Mary and when "a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray" over it.

The article below, "Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping On Area Family’s Truck", originally appeared at http://www.kwtx.com/offbeatnews/headlines/50946582.html on July 16, 2009.

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping On Area Family’s Truck
Reporter: By Shannon Dillon, KBTX-TV

BRYAN (July 16, 2009)--The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle.

The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday.

That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago.

"I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said.

Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror.

Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle.

"We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca.

Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it.

A few moments later the image appeared.

Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.

The Pachuca's say the image is more than a coincidence especially since it happened on the 12th.

The family says in Mexico, Dec. 12 is celebrated as the day of The Virgin Guadalupe.

Onlookers say the image is a miracle because the distinct colors and outline of the image on the truck match the image of Virgin Guadalupe.

The Pachuca's say they will continue to welcome anyone who wants to see the image, because the image isn't going to go away anytime soon.

"I think we're going to just put it on a shelf outside, probably take off the mirror and keep it there cause its something special to us. I'm not going to wash it off," says Cristal Pachuca.

Find this article at:
http://www.kwtx.com/offbeatnews/headlines/50946582.html

Copyright © 2002-2008 - Gray Television Group, Inc.

Also, The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet wants her $6.50 back.

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:31:46 GMT

They say that John Dillinger's penis is stored somewhere at the Smithsonian. It's not, which is a shame, because if it were there might have been an interesting movie made about it. As it is, though, we're left with Michael Mann's Dillinger picture “Public Enemies,” which is neither about Dillinger's penis nor the least bit interesting.

Mann seems to have utterly forgotten how to direct a movie. To say his characters are one-dimensional is to overstate their geometry and to say they're unsympathetic is to imply an emotional response to any of them. Not only is there no tension between any two characters, there's none between any two scenes, either. The movie trundles along in its internal chronological order with all the excitement of the digits changing on an odometer. (I initially wrote “digital watch” instead of “odometer,” but with the watch there was the tension of wondering just when the movie was going to end.)

There's been some notice taken of the attention to detail in the film - Mann redressed North Lincoln Avenue near the Biograph Theater in Chicago to the point of reinstalling long-gone streetcar tracks - and some inaccuracies have also been pointed out, but those details become academic if the movie is, as this one is, boring.

And the cast wasn't really given much to work with. Johnny Depp walks around managing to look a little like the real Dillinger while looking just like Johnny Depp. Dillinger's girlfriend Billie Frechette, played by Marion Cotillard, is pretty enough, but she doesn't do anything. It was nice, though, to hear Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis speak in something other than a John Connor/Batman whisper for a change.

It's nicely photographed - Mann knows how to set up a shot. There are a few beautifully filmic moments, such as when one of the bad guys is gunned down by Purvis's G-men during a night-time car chase. The camera, at ground level, looks over the dying gangster toward the backlit Purvis. A last puff of smoke from the criminal's spent submachine gun curls up into the light at the same time as the vapour from his last breath does.

But it all comes back to this: nothing much happens. Dillinger talks to Billie, J. Edgar Hoover talks to Purvis. Then some Tommy guns go off and a car races into the night. Lather, rinse, repeat, until Dillinger's luck runs, as we know it must, out.

Unfortunately for us, that luck's exit was preceded by our interest forty or fifty minutes earlier.

Independence Day.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:36:42 GMT

Click on an image to launch a larger version in a new window.

One Way To Avoid Family Feuds Is To Keep Your Dumb-Ass Opinions To Yourself

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:56:43 GMT

On today's episode of "Family Feud":

With five of six items already revealed, the host returns to the man at the head of the family to his right.

JOHN O'HURLEY: Tell me something people think about when they hear the name 'Ellen DeGeneres".

MIKE, SUTTON FAMILY PATRIARCH: Doesn't like her country very much, I think.

JOHN O'HURLEY: Fuck you, asshole.*

* Technically, reply did not happen.

Be nice to her, she might be rich.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:31:10 GMT

It happened again.

Back in May, I wrote about how The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet and I were carjacked by a little old lady who asked us - in a how can you refuse me, I'm just a little old lady kind of way - to take her to her bank.

It happened to us again. This time, we were going in the opposite direction on the same road, and there she was, stooping in wait.

"She's very aggressive," said The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet as the woman approached. When she saw us, she started across the street in what I now realize was a game of Ride-or-Roadkill.

We stopped, not wanting the blood of a little old lady on our consciences, not to mention her faceprint in our windshield, and prepared to tell her we couldn't take her to the bank when she threw us a curve.

She asked to go to a different bank, one that was not out of our way. She clambered into the back seat and nattered for the three minutes it took us to get where she was going. We dropped her off in the parking lot and wished her luck with her return trip.

I would have liked to have parked across the street and watched as she tried to cross five lanes of traffic to catch a ride back home, but we had places to go. I'm sure we'll see her again; after all, Wheeling has more than two banks.

A dark day for dark days.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:52:39 GMT

One of my daily must-reads, Liz Kelly's Celebritology blog, had a link to this news item: "Heidi and Spencer Writing a Book on How to Get Famous". (If you don't know who they are and don't live in a cave, buy yourself a lottery ticket: the odds of them remaining completely under your radar are astronomical. If you've merely been fortunate enough to have seen less than a minute of anything they've ever done on tv, you can still count yourself lucky enough to justify buying a scratch-and-win ticket.)

Reading the Celebritology item left me feeling like I'd missed a bigger story, somehow. So I wrote it.

In other news, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death, better known to the Western world as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the Bible's Book Of Revelations, have announced their retirement.

In a prepared statement, the Feared Four said their retirement was for unspecified "personal reasons," immediately renewing speculation that the announcement by Heidi and Spencer Pratt that they were writing a book was behind the Horsemen's move.

Unnamed sources close to the four have said that some of the group viewed the Pratts' book as proof that their services were no longer required. One Horseman is said to have uttered in frustration, "How can we [expletive deleted] compete with THAT?" when told of the book deal.

Heincer have declined to comment directly on the news of the Four Horsemen's retirement, but Heidi Pratt did say that she was looking forward to riding a horse while topless during an upcoming photo shoot for Playboy magazine.

A parade stunt gone awry, perhaps?

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 23:35:24 GMT

From my hometown newspaper's website earlier today:

O, the humanity!

Random Thoughts Upon Spending Three Hours At Pittsburgh International Airport.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:25:32 GMT

The airport's ICAO call sign is KPIT. Contrary to what one might think, this is not short for "Pittsburgh" but rather for "(Another) Pit of Despair."

Nobody knows who wrote the first set of specifications for the public address (PA) system used in airports, or why it was designed to convert normal human speech sounds into something resembling flatulence played through a bullhorn.

If you are able to locate the airport employee with the remote, those banks of monitors which are supposed to show incoming flights' arrival times can be switched on and used to display that information, or you can watch the community cable channel in high definition.

Instead of publishing flight schedules, the airlines will soon just park airplanes on the tarmac. Flight attendants will stand near each aircraft's boarding gate with a hand-made sign indicating the flight's destination (for example, Gate 1 might be Pittsburgh, Gate 2 Detroit, Gate 3 Los Angeles, etc.). When the plane fills up, the flight will leave. This is expected to save each airline millions of dollars annually. Except for the signs, travelers and the people awaiting them at their destination will have no idea that any change has been implemented.

In an effort to improve what they call the "user experience" and as a cost-saving measure, future airports' architectural designs will be based on the works of M.C. Escher and will use verses of Nostradamus' quatrains in place of traditional direction signs. Once again, it is expected that travelers and other people using the airport will have no idea that any change has been implemented, although some inadvertent improvements in service may occur.

America Needs Heroes: Why Not Just Take Canada's?

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 03:44:27 GMT

First, let me say that even on good days, I miss the CBC - Mansbridge, Mercer, 22 Minutes, and that's just the TV. But you try watching hockey on American tv and things get really ugly - which leads me to this letter I've sent to NBC.

As a Canadian, Mike Milbury had me wanting to go into my tv set and beat Mr. Milbury with his own shoe. (For those of you too young to remember, or without the ability to ask former Bruins coach Bep Guidolin just what I am talking about, here's the video. Mike's at the top left of the frame at about the 38-second mark.)

***

During the second-period intermission of Saturday night's NBC broadcast of game five of the Stanley Cup finals, analyst Mike Milbury, a former NHL player with the Boston Bruins and coach and GM with both the Bruins and the Islanders, segued from a discussion of the game at hand to link it to the anniversary of D-Day. He paid tribute to the one-hundred-odd NHL players who served in the Second World War, and singled out by name Conn Smythe, Howie Meeker and Milt Schmidt.

He called them "great hockey players and great Americans."

Inspiring, except for the detail that none of them were Americans.

Conn Smythe was born in Toronto and served in the First World War, first as a member of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, where he earned the Military Cross, and then as a member of the Royal Flying Corps, spending the last year as a prisoner of war after his plane was shot down. In the Second World War, Smythe volunteered again, serving in the Canadian Army; he was badly wounded in July 1944.

Howie Meeker and Milt Schmidt were both born in Kitchener, Ontario, and both served in the Second World War with the Royal Canadian Air Force. Meeker was badly wounded by a grenade, while Schmidt, along with fellow Kraut Liners Woody Dumart and Bobby Bauer, missed three years of NHL hockey wihile serving with the RCAF.

Mr. Milbury is a knowledgeable hockey man and was a fearsome defenceman, but as an amateur historian he is at best badly misinformed. His mischaracterization of Messrs. Smythe, Meeker and Schmidt as Americans is an insult to them and to their services to hockey, to their Canadian military service, and to Canadians, not to mention to American hockey players who served and died in defence of their country, such as Hobey Baker, who died in the First World War, and Frank Brimsek, Schmidt's teammate and a World War II veteran of the Coast Guard.

Mr. Milbury should immediately apologize for his error.

Recent Innovations In The Public Safety.

Mon, 25 May 2009 11:47:20 GMT

I don't know about you, but I certainly feel safer knowing that I live in a country in which one now can carry a loaded and concealed .50 caliber semiautomatic pistol into a national park. My sense of personal security is further enhanced by my knowing that one may not carry a container of Cheez Whiz brand process cheese food onto a domestic flight originating from San Francisco International Airport.

Of course, the person whose Cheez Whiz brand process cheese food was confiscated earlier today at SFO is a Major in the National Guard and no doubt the Transportation Security Administration likes to keep its eyes on people like her. She could probably kill a man with that stuff. I shudder to think of the havoc she could wreak with a mesh bag full of those mini-Babybel cheeses.

I certainly feel safer knowing that the TSA's profiles of Threats To America include officers with 20 years of military service - including enlistments in the Marines, the Army and now the Guard - and their condiments. And I hope I never run into someone like that at Yosemite.

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start.

Thu, 14 May 2009 03:52:18 GMT

There's video floating around on the internet of a California Highway Patrol officer kicking a man in the head while the man is lying face-down on the grass waiting to be arrested. He'd jumped out of a car at the end of a high speed chase and made a run for it, then gave up without any further resistance. The video (I've linked to it after the cut) clearly shows the CHiP punting the guy in the noggin. It's just another fine example of the old mantra, "There's never a cop around when you need one, and when there is, odds are good the guy's a real piece of work."

But, as Arlo Guthrie once sang, this isn't a song about Alice.

The Huffington Post's piece about the incident includes a section for reader comments that, for me, is a perfect distillation of what the worst of the right-wing-nutbar community embodies (not conservatives or Republicans generally, I hope, but that specific subset that has done so much to make Hannity, Limbaugh, Coulter and Savage so rich in the last few years).

Look at what our friend "ProudlyConservative42" had to say about the CHiP's George Blanda impression:

I'm especially grateful to see "ProudlyConservative42" suggesting that if only America were MORE LIKE North Korea or Iran things would be better, at least as far as crime goes. Is this why my father died in World War 2 defending the American Way Of Life*? So that guys like "ProudlyConservative42" could just throw away the Constitution and the Rule of Law, and instead emulate the Communists or the ayatollahs? This guy is so upset about All The Things That Are Wrong With America that he can't even see straight.

Which makes it very hard for him to aim his bile effectively.

*Certain dramatic details were changed to better illustrate my point. In real life, my father did not die in World War 2 defending the American Way Of Life. He was too young to serve, and also not an American, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have happened like I described it.

Luckily, Lunch Was Unharmed In The Incident.

Tue, 12 May 2009 03:30:35 GMT

From an article at The Huffington Post earlier today:

The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To Woodsdale.

Tue, 05 May 2009 16:17:45 GMT

The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet and I were carjacked by a little old lady earlier today.

We were driving home from the grocery store (a.k.a. "The Kroger") when a little old lady - height: five foot nothing, weight: a handful of dry leaves - stepped out onto the pavement of Edgwood [sic] Street and flagged us down.

My wife lowered her window as we pulled to a stop. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"Would you happen to be going to or near the Chase Bank by the Exxon station?" the little old lady asked.

I started to say no, because we weren't, but The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet remembered that she did, in fact, have to go to the bank and interrupted me to invite her to hop in.

She got in the car and sat in the back seat, alternating between gasping for breath and repeating to herself, "Marcella, Marcella." She explained the gasping as being something she does all the time whenever she exerts herself now but did not explain "Marcella." I assumed it was her name. She told us that today was the day her Social Security check gets deposited and that she had been waiting for the bus but thought the chances were good that someone going through the neighbourhood might be going to the bank.

I thought about warning her of the dangers of hitch-hiking but decided against it. What centenarian wants to be lectured on lifestyle choices by a forty-something whippersnapper, after all?

We had a lovely chat as we drove to the bank - my wife volunteered us to bring her back, too - and they both went in and did their business. We dropped off the little old lady and her wallet stuffed with Social Security cash in front of her house.

If anyone asks, that's the last time we saw her. Okay?

When Bad Things Happen To Stupid People, Or,

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 22:45:12 GMT

Don't These People Have Children They Can Give All Their Money To?

An area tv station had one of those periodic features to warn that surprisingly large contingent of people who apparently don't know better about various schemes criminals undertake to relieve them of their money.

At the end of the piece there was a brief followup to a similar report six months earlier. If you've ever suspected that some of the people who get taken in these scams are too stupid to live, the segment provided a nice confirmation of that.

At the 3:47 mark of the clip, the reporter invites us to "see if you remember this guy," and shows us video from last November. We see only the victim's hands in front of an American flag as he says, "Take this as a warning - don't get caught in these scams." The man lost "a couple of million dollars" (!) to con artists who told him he needed to pay some fees to claim $10 million in winnings from an Australian lottery.

"Turns out," says the reporter, "that after we did the interview with him... he sent the con artists another $30,000."

I had no idea you could even get your head that far up your own ass. I only wish I knew his e-mail address, y'know?

Morning Fog, Wheeling WV

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 12:14:24 GMT

Click on the image to launch a full-size version (2984 x 1678) in another window.

The Found Poetry of The Gmail Spam Filter.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:36:59 GMT

These poems are composed entirely of subject lines of emails in my spam filter. Spelling and capitalization remain unchanged; all I have done is arrange them and given them titles.

Three Rhyming Couplets

You can visit public pool
as you know you have big tool.

You will impress
and you will have success.

You want to have your stick
big and nice, long and thick?

----------------------

Dancing With The Stars

Urgent! Timberlake distraught with grief
Watch humiliation of Hollywood-star wannabies
Disgrace on you!

----------------------

Haiku: In This Economy

Treble the pleasure
Sharpen your male bayonet
Your job is at stake.

----------------------

Don't Make Me Come Up There!

You want to impress your girlfriend tonight?
Worried that tiny size will get you down?
You are ashamed to take off you jacket because of your obesity?
Cant perform her desires?
Your little friend makes you feel unneeded?

Still busy to answer?
Are you still busy to answer?
Explain, where do you sit?

----------------------

Boys' Change Room

Measure Up to the jocks
Pink, wet, and shaven
Elixir of delightful nights

----------------------

Personal Computing

Your wife need your attention? Solve all the problems with IT.
Save on quality sfotware!
Only original and fully functional versions!
Start using your software immediately after purchase.
Don't be a fuddy-duddy...use the sotfware everyone's using...
PDF it and it is a lot of another

----------------------

(Three dates)

Lunch Date

What's best time for lunch
Haven't u said 4 p.m.? Waiting for u
I'm tired to wait for you

Dinner Date

Best way to cure yourself
one night stands are easy
Please take me home

Date Of Your Death

Date of your death
Dollar will be cancelled!
The size has huge value!

----------------------

The Spam Commandments

These are new rules for you
Live longer life without cigarettes
Smile all the time - smiling prolongs your life.
Make yourself thicker and longer today
empower your belove sexual experience
Stop disappointing her in bed
The confidence comes in the course of time and the sizes.
For sure, you will feel more pleasure after a short course of enhancing.
Yeah, keep ignoring, keep hiding
Grow and grow

----------------------

...and I can't believe I got an email from Charles Dickens.

I can't believe you helped me save over $1000 on this watches.

----------------------

Ode To Sue, The New Girl In The Office.

Loosing wife? Solution-near
You've received an answer to your question
Your life is empty and meaningless? We will fill it with new impressions.

Make magic happen in her
lift your sweet couch experience
support your sweet couch experience

Power up your bedroom magic
Triple the power, quadruple the pleasure
You will like the reflection of your tool in the mirror.

You know she wants it big
Don't watch yourself while hanging over
Become an unforgettable, professional and stylish lover.

You can use your tool anytime you need now.
Look confident and fabulous in your new bikini.
You'll have all the class, and still have all your money.

Sue was shocked at my new length
She loves how I feel in her now
spring men power.

----------------------

Disgusting Hoffman's Act

Disgusting Hoffman's act
In, out, smooth
Double the pleasure
Treble the pleasure
(Triple the power, quadruple the pleasure)

----------------------

The Less-Likely Result of A Botched Murder-Suicide.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:50:34 GMT

But then, if you read the story, what really happened was that the husband shot the wife in the head with a .38 and she greeted emergency crews with a pot of tea. That's a little more newsworthy.

Marsh Stogies, Wheeling.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:36:43 GMT

Click on the image to launch full-size version (2911x1831) in another window.

Nikon D40, Sigma 100-300mm zoom lens @ 200mm, 1/125sec, f/16, ISO 1600.

Remembering Laszlo (1990-2009)

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:52:34 GMT

I mentioned this elsewhere last week but failed to do so here; Laszlo the wonder cat (no relation to Tiddles) died last week, about four months short of his 19th birthday.

I could tell my own stories about him, but I'll just repeat the ones The Lovely Mrs. byoolin's trebuchet shared in her blog earlier this week:

I found him in September, 1990. By found I mean I rescued him away from a neighbor who wasn't taking care of him. Everyone in our complex knew he was with me, so the guy could have easily talked to us, but I think he was relieved to not have a cat anymore. Something about him being an airplane pilot and gone all the time, and his girlfriend being the one who decided he needed a cat.

I found out a little while later that I really had done the right thing - Laszlo had a pellet in his shoulder. I can't imagine anyone shooting a kitten, or how terrified and hurt he must have been when it happened.

I've had Laszlo all this time, and [The Kid] has never not had him in her life. While I was pregnant, Laszlo would lay across my belly, and once in awhile she'd kick and he could feel it. He'd give me this glare, like "Knock it off," and then put his head back down. I should have known then how much they'd end up loving each other. When she came home he didn't even need thirty seconds to get used to her. He had to sleep under her cradle, or in bed with me when she was, and if I was holding her on my lap he'd have to fit as much of his body as he could on my leg, or wherever he could find a square inch or two.

[The Kid] used to push him around in the stroller, and she invented this game (do not try this at home). She'd get in her sleeping bag at the top of the stairs, clutch Laszlo to her chest and then slide down as if it were some sort of sled ride. He never had a problem. He did scratch her, but never without warning. I would say, "[Kid], when he makes that noise he's telling you 'please don't touch me right now.'" "No he isn't." So I had a three year old kid with cat scratches, but the two of them were in love.

I miss you, buddy.

Makeover.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:38:59 GMT

By now just about everybody who's heard of Teh Internets has also heard of Susan Boyle, the 47-year-old Scottish woman who blew the socks off the panel of the UK tv series "Britain's Got Talent." Judges Simon Cowell, Piers somebody and the blonde sat stunned at the gorgeous voice of the - let's face it - frumpy spinster as she sang, sounding like a choir of angels.

There's already talk of a record deal. But selling records (excuse me, CDs) and songs on iTunes isn't just about the sound. She'll need an image and the one she's got just ain't gonna cut it, so get ready for the full extreme makeover treatment.

Before...

Image at The Mirror

...and after

Image at Rockphiles.com

Not The Bluenose.

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:05:51 GMT

I was at the local St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store about two weeks ago when I spotted a model kit of the Bluenose in the toy section. (For my non-Canadian and/or non-numismatist readers, the Bluenose was a famous Canadian schooner that owned International Fishermen's Trophy for seventeen years in the 1920s and 1930s and is depicted on the Canadian ten cent piece.)

It was obviously an old model kit - the box bore a 1957 copyright marking - and since it was taped shut I had no way of knowing the condition of the model inside. I figured it was worth the dollar the S.V.deP. wanted for me to find out.

When I got it home, I opened the box and there it was. Not the Bluenose. It wasn't even a model kit: it was just a box full of junk - pieces of model cars, some action figures, and a few random items. But that's not to say I didn't get something for my dollar.

Other Aurora models advertised on the Bluenose box:

The Silver Knight (possibly this guy, a hero of the 1565 Siege of Malta, and a Vought F8U Crusader.

The destroyer USS Bennion, a B-25 Mitchel [sic] bomber, and a Chinese junk.

A Lockheed F-94C Starfire, a Convair "Vertical Takeoff" aircraft (which looks very much like the XFY-1 prototype), an "Indian chief" and an "Indian squaw."

A Kaman HOK, a Dutch girl, a Dutch boy, and a Marine.

The box itself contained none of the above.

There was a 1971 receipt for membership in Local 697 of Union of General Teamsters, Chauffeurs, Warehousemen, and Helpers.

There were pieces of a couple of Chevrolets: a station wagon and a convertible.

There were four little snap-together model cars in various stages of disrepair.

There were a few pieces of Walt's Puffer...

some empty tubes of glue and some cap gun caps...

...a road sign...

...some golf clubs and some trophies - including the coveted "All American Water Boy" award...

...and there was furniture (even the kitchen sink!).

And there were people!

There was a guy in his swim trunks.

Roy Rogers' sidekick Pat Brady was in there...

...as was Robert Horton's character Flint McCullough from "Wagon Train".

A wounded Confederate soldier's arm was in a splint...

...while a vaguely Chinese-looking guy searched for something he'd dropped.

And there were wheels upon wheels upon wheels.

Still, I'd rather have found the Bluenose inside.

All of these pix and more here!

Great Moments In Doublespeak.

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 14:55:59 GMT

"Specialist prison officers are dealing with an incident of concerted indiscipline at HMP Ashwell involving a number of prisoners."

- From a statement by a spokesperson for the UK Prison Service

What the Prison Service calls "concerted indiscipline" you and I would call - what's the phrase I'm looking for? Oh, yes - "a prison riot" involving between 200 and 400 prisoners at a medium-security facility.

"Concerted indiscipline" makes it sound like an event, doesn't it? "This month's concerted indiscipline will feature fires, assaults, police helicopters circling overhead while police on the ground surround the prison and our very own HMP Ashwell Glee Club, 'The Lock-Ups,' who will perform an a capella medley of incarceration-themed popular songs, such as 'Folsom Prison Blues,' '16 Tons,' 'Hangman,' and 'Tonight There's Going To Be A Breakout.'"