One of my daily must-reads, Liz Kelly's Celebritology blog, had a link to this news item: "Heidi and Spencer Writing a Book on How to Get Famous". (If you don't know who they are and don't live in a cave, buy yourself a lottery ticket: the odds of them remaining completely under your radar are astronomical. If you've merely been fortunate enough to have seen less than a minute of anything they've ever done on tv, you can still count yourself lucky enough to justify buying a scratch-and-win ticket.)

Reading the Celebritology item left me feeling like I'd missed a bigger story, somehow. So I wrote it.

In other news, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death, better known to the Western world as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the Bible's Book Of Revelations, have announced their retirement.

In a prepared statement, the Feared Four said their retirement was for unspecified "personal reasons," immediately renewing speculation that the announcement by Heidi and Spencer Pratt that they were writing a book was behind the Horsemen's move.

Unnamed sources close to the four have said that some of the group viewed the Pratts' book as proof that their services were no longer required. One Horseman is said to have uttered in frustration, "How can we [expletive deleted] compete with THAT?" when told of the book deal.

Heincer have declined to comment directly on the news of the Four Horsemen's retirement, but Heidi Pratt did say that she was looking forward to riding a horse while topless during an upcoming photo shoot for Playboy magazine.

...might be that people keep underestimating you.

As I did.

Saying that I thought she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer would be vastly overstating my opinion of her; on those occasions where I contemplated or commented on her existence, any adjectives I might have used would likely have been found in Roget's near the word stupid.

But no more. (And, Paris, if you're reading this, I apologize. Wholeheartedly, unreservedly. I was wrong to think you're a ditz. I take it back. Sorry if I hurt your feelings.)

Why did I have this sudden change of heart? Because I have a soft spot for funny people. I think a sense of humour requires intelligence, and Ms. Hilton displayed both yesterday.

Paris responded to a John McCain ad that mockingly compared Barack Obama to her and Britney Spears, implying that he was a more ditzy celebrity than legitimate contender for the presidency.

Ms. Hilton responded yesterday with a video of her own, posted to the Funny or Die website. The video - complete with a announcer's voiceover describing McCain as "old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket" - features Paris in a poolside lounge chair and wearing a bathing suit to address the nation:

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity, too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot.

"But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude."

"I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead."

She talks about energy policy before triumphantly announcing, "Energy crisis solved! I'll see you at the debates, bitches."

When I read earlier this morning that George Carlin died yesterday, I muttered to myself six of The Seven Words You Can't Say On Television. (George's favourite, "tits," didn't make the list. In retrospect, had the headline said "Carlin Goes Tits-Up," I might have included it.)

National Public Radio's obituary for George included a clip of him uttering what he said he wanted as his epitaph:

Gee, he was just here a minute ago.

Some troll posted this ad in the comments at the Celebritology blog yesterday:

Free Gas Giveaway - Enter to Win a $ 60 Gas Card!
Recycle your Greeting Cards at
http://www.thoughtfulcardsender.com
Extend the Life of your Greeting Cards with Thoughtful Card Sender labels. Simply sign, peel and place it inside the card. Your friends and family will be impressed with these money-saving, environmentally friendly labels!

Posted by: thoughtful card sender | June 18, 2008 10:44 PM

Yes, you read that right - you put a sticker on a used greeting card and pass it along. Classy, no? I posted a response:

Dear 'thoughtful card sender,' I must respectfully disagree with your assertion that my "friends and family will be impressed with these money-saving, environmentally friendly labels!"

Your labels don't say, "Hey, I'm environmentally friendly." They say, "I am such a cheap b*st*rd that I couldn't even be bothered to spend $3 on a decent card." They say, "When Hallmark's not tacky enough, a tremendously ugly sticker on a used greeting card really gets the job done." They say, "Not only do I *not* wish you a happy birthday or anniversary or want you to get well soon, I'm actually demonstrating my contempt for you while respecting the laws that prohibit me from sending human or animal waste to you in the mail."