Ah, the Maple Leafs' NHL season has begun and with it the traditional optimistic headlines in the Toronto media, only to be inevitably followed by ledes depicting the hopes of the home team's fans being shattered as though they were teeth stopping a slapshot. This year, the switch happened more quickly than usual.

On September 23rd, after the Leafs won their first preseason game against Buffalo, 7-4, the Star's headline read, Leafs off to a strong start.

"[Coach Ron] Wilson's defence-first mantra that also calls for making quick passes, an aggressive forecheck and relentless backchecking,[sic] was the reason the 20 men who lined up in blue and white last night made such a favourable first impression with their new coach.... There was a lot to like with how the Leafs played last night," said the story.

Only two days later came the first loss - 3-2 to Pittsburgh. Leafs can't solve mighty Pens - Toronto's top line ineffectual against defending conference champs, even with Crosby on shelf, lamented the Star.

"Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson had a memory flash during the second intermission last night and it helped his team salvage at least one period of an otherwise dispiriting pre-season game against the Pittsburgh Penguins."

The second game of the home-and-home series yielded a 5-4 loss. The headline, Late collapse spells defeat for Leafs - 'There's a mentality that I'm going to have to crack here,' says Wilson after Pittsburgh's comeback win, was followed by a few paragraphs that sportswriters in Toronto have come to think of as boilerplate.

"For a moment, Ron Wilson sounded just like Paul Maurice.

"Of course, the new Maple Leafs coach had just witnessed the same kind of third-period meltdown... that ultimately cost Maurice his job....

"Wilson's Leafs – very much a work in progress – took a 3-2 lead into the third.... But sloppy, old habits kicked in."

And then came Saturday's 3-2 loss in Buffalo. The Star's headline, "Pogge perfect . . . for 57 minutes" was subtitled, "Late goals by Sabres cost young goalie a shutout, Leafs a win."

"This certainly isn't the first version of the Maple Leafs to melt down in dramatic fashion here at HSBC Arena," wrote Paul Hunter, suggesting that "there should be an award for the Leaf most victimized by the Sabres... presented after each visit here."

Hunter didn't become more hopeful as he continued writing.

"In an exhibition game with a storyline that will likely become familiar this season – "Leafs work hard, let victory slip away" – [goaltender Justin] Pogge would be holding the hardware last night."

Meanwhile, Mats Sundin sits in his house in Sweden and tries to decide whether or not to retire, sign with another team, or come back to the Leafs. That decision must be narrowing to two choices in a hurry.

Everyone already knows that the really wealthy don't have to worry about piddling financial details like the price of a dozen eggs, a gallon of gas, or a 200-foot yacht. We were further reassured to read in the May 25 edition of News Of The Weird that the fortunate few who can afford to spend $300,000 on a watch don't need it to tell time at all. As Chuck Shepherd notes,

In April the Swiss watchmaker Romain Jerome... introduced the "Day&Night" watch, which unfortunately does not provide a reading of the hour or the minute. Though it retails for about $300,000, it tells only whether it is "day" or "night" (using a complex measurement of the Earth's gravity). CEO Yvan Arpa said studies show that two-thirds of rich people "don't (use) their watch to tell what time it is" anyway. Anyone can buy a watch that tells time, he told a Reuters reporter, but only a "truly discerning customer" can buy one that doesn't.

Anyone can buy a watch that tells time but only a truly discerning customer can buy one that doesn't.

Brilliant. A watch for which time is meaningless, marketed to people for who money is meaningless. And best of all, it's one plug-ugly watch.

Tampa Bay Online has a story about a little old lady who found a rock and wants to sell it.

She thinks it contains an image of "a veiled Mary cradling the baby Jesus in her arms." Others, not so much. And at least one person who posted a comment to the online version of the story think it "looks more like two holes and a taint."

If the details of the story weren't so pathetic, they'd be hilarious.

The woman has "had two strokes in recent years," which may explain why she can see Mary in the rock now, after it "served as a doorstop in her home for years" since she found it in 1996.

She doesn't have a computer or a phone, so she's hoping "area residents [who] are interested in buying it" will contact her by mail.

She wants to sell the rock because it's the only way she can afford to visit her family in West Virginia.

But her biggest problem is competition: the story says that "there is another rock listed on eBay that claims to resemble the Virgin Mary - also found in West Virginia - with bids starting at $775. At press time, it had no bidders."

In other words, there's a glut of Virgin Marys on the market. Prices are going to go down, not up. Especially if the eBay Virgin Mary rock also looks like two holes and a taint.

( Only two strokes? Are you sure about that? )

Remember that time when we were 7 or 8 and you gave me a black eye? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

How about I don't give you anything today, and we'll call it even.

And I'll stipulate that I do not believe and will no longer allege that you had a rock in your fist when you punched me. It was just a good, clean hit, and, not only that, I fully deserved it.

Happy birthday, old pal.

This week's Pittsburgh City Paper has a full-page ad in it - billed across the top of the page three times as a MAJOR DEVELOPMENT - for Slim & Cleanse from BioTech Research. It's one of those ads that's written like an interview, this one conducted by "S. Hufford" with the "scientist and creator" who goes unnamed, extolling the manifold benefits of this product that will TURN YOUR BODY INTO A FAT BURNING MACHINE NATURALLY.

In other words, it's kind of like the Nigerian Email Scam, but aimed at stupid people more desperate to lose weight than to make eighteen million dollars.

But it's not just a weight loss product: Slim & Cleanse will, the ad claims, leave you looking slimmer, "rid your body of toxins," reduce headaches, constipation, diarrhea, gas, bloating, irritability, bad breath, impaired digestion, improve your hair, skin, immunity, increase your energy levels "and so much more," like "provide some relief from... body odors, fatigue, sinus problems, allergies, hemorrhoids, back & muscle aches, knee pain, poor eyesight, poor memory [and] stress." You may even experience "greater alertness, overwhelming joy, incredible insight and even better sex"!

[THE SHILL enters]

THE SHILL: I need help with ALL of those things! How does this product work so well?

I'm glad you asked! Slim & Cleanse uses "all 7 of Nature's most powerful cleansing ingredients, not just one."

And that's important, because, as these pictures show, your lumpy pear-shaped body is filled "with toxins, poisons and sludge that are dragging you down."


(Click on the image to launch full-size in another window.)

Why, did you know that when John Wayne died, he had 40 pounds of fecal matter in his colon? "And Elvis Presley had over fifty pounds in his," says the ad, failing to note the irony inherent in The King's terminal circumstances.


(Click on the image to launch full-size in another window.)

So pay attention to the location of your colon: it's right behind your waistline, "the area where almost everyone holds bulging waist."

Well, I don't know if it's you, The Duke, The King, or someone else, but this much is certain: someone is full of shit.